Here, there and nowhere

Almost every Indian who moves to the United States (or Europe, for that matter) invariably contemplates the pros and cons of a life lived in either country. For some, the answer is clear, the pull of more money, a healthy and clean environment and lucrative career opportunities far outweigh the cost of separation from family and friends, and the convenience of life India offers. For others, missing home and one’s own people is just too high a price to pay. There are no clear or right answers.

Having spent the better part of 2023 and potentially 2024 in the USA, I have nothing new to add to this ever-raging debate. All I have are some observations based on people I have met and experiences I have had.

The price of fitting in

Remember your first day at school? Before that day, your world revolved around a few known people, who probably spoilt you with love. Now, you are left alone with complete strangers who don’t know you. You become conscious of every movement you make, your hair, your uniform. Butterflies in your stomach, worried about making a mistake, about being judged. You try to fit in. Living abroad feels exactly like this, made slightly worse because your peers don’t even look like you.

In school, with each passing day, it gets better. Kids after all, are honest little munchkins. They will make fun of you, scorn you, but eventually some will find you adequate enough to be your friend. Adults are different. Friends are more difficult to make due to absence of shared context (there is no common enemy, aka the Math teacher). As outsiders, you try to be extremely polite, you laugh at jokes which are barely funny, you are careful not to break any rules. Eventually, a price must be paid for this constant attempt at fitting in. You lose yourself.

No country for moving men

A scene from one of my favorite TV shows, the Sopranos comes to mind. Furio, a member of the Naples mafia, moves to New Jersey to be part of Tony Soprano’s crew. He misses his life in Italy a lot. After a few years, he visits Italy again, only to find that life there had moved on without him. He is crestfallen, he can live anywhere, but no place will be his home. One of the biggest fears of Indians living outside is exactly this, whether they will come back to the same social life they had left behind. They are afraid of neither being here nor there. Live long enough away from home, and your home will no longer be yours.

Divided at home, united away

Another aspect among Indians (and immigrants, in general) I have noticed is the extreme kindness with which they treat each other. Having shared a similar experience of moving away from home to a foreign land, there is a very strong appreciation of each other’s struggles. Strangers go out of their way with the smallest of gestures, which doesn’t happen back home. Divisions are lesser, no one thinks of a fellow immigrant in terms of caste/religion. My favorite restaurant is Seattle is Pakistani, and an Afghan Uber driver in Sacramento found a lot of joy in discussing cricket with me. I found this aspect of life very refreshing from the sometimes divided society I witness at home.