50% pain

Clicking buttons for a living [Part 4/n]

Link to Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3

One of the most intense phases in a poker player’s career is a downswing. For me, a downswing is when you have lost around 10-25% of your poker bankroll – It’s something that every professional player goes through, indeed the nature of tournament poker is such that it is statistically impossible to have a constant upward trajectory. I was waiting to go through one to write about it accurately, and now that I find myself in one (unfortunately), here are my thoughts.

The first emotion I experience is crippling self-doubt. Even though I am able to see I am a far better player than I was last year, I fear if I can maintain the rate of success I initially had. I fear if others will improve at a rate faster than me. I am worried if my ability to perform at the highest stakes will dwindle with age. Anxiety grips me, is the game really that much about skill or will luck eventually supersede my every effort to study and get better. Were my past choices correct? Perhaps I would have been better off making those non-sensical power-point presentations and excel sheets after all.

I would be foolish to argue that such emotions do not affect my game. Playing at the highest levels, the game is so demanding that if your mind is anything but blank and fully focused, success will continue to elude you. And once there is any element of self-doubt, your game will suffer. My approach in a downswing is to study hard, run more simulations, watch more content. However, I do admit that feeling alpha, feeling like a lion in game is as important as all the preparation, and a downswing severely dents my in-game presence.

Since this is not the first time I have witnessed a downswing, there are some aspects where I have improved. One thing that has really helped me is the ability to derive a win from other parts of my life outside poker. The sad part about a tournament poker player’s life is that you are going to lose money on 70% of the days, and probably 90% when in the middle of a downswing. Deriving one’s happiness only from success at the game is extremely detrimental to one’s mental health. Over the past few months, I have realized I need a win outside poker every day. Activities like running an extra mile, lifting more than usual, reading a simulating novel, even having a good non-poker conversation are all wins in my book, and I need them more than ever in a downswing.

There are other obvious bits of advice as well. Having a strong non-poker life roll (money you have invested well) will go a long way in lowering anxiety levels during a downswing. A strong support system at home, loving family, good eating habits are all key. Some people recommend taking a break, getting back in the right mindset and then resume playing.

For me, I try to wind the clock back, go back in time to corporate life and remember how unhappy I was. Sure, there was the allure of a steady paycheck, but I was just drifting meaninglessly. At least now I have a purpose, a goal, and to be honest, I simply love what I do. How many people can wake up and say that they love what they do, and they get to do it everyday?

I don’t know for how long I will be able to play the game, maintain a high ROI, crush it and be one of the best, but I know for sure I am going to enjoy every minute of it. To the Downswing Gods who visit us in the hope of killing our dreams, we have two words – Not Today.